Shelley Watters' blog, Is It Hot in Here Or Is It This Book?, is hosting an amazing contest which is going on right now.
My twitter pitch/logline for REMEMBRANCE is below. A big THANK YOU in advance for all comments and crits. GOOD LUCK to everyone!!!
TITLE: REMEMBRANCE
GENRE: Paranormal
Three witches are reunited by magic and reincarnation, however their future is in the hands of fate, and the sinister man out to kill them.
POST NOTE: I was worried about "the future in the hands of fate..." being kind of cliche as well, after seeing some of the feedback from this morning, I've created a new pitch that hopefully gives more.
NEW PITCH:
Reunited by magic and reincarnation three witches must remember the past to save their futures from a sinister man hell-bent on vengeance.
FINAL PITCH:
Reunited by magic and reincarnation, three witches must rediscover the past to save their future from a sinister man hell-bent on vengeance.
Hi S.A. Thanks for participating! I like this, but the 'future in the hands of fate' seems a bit cliche and vague. Can you give us a little more detail instead of that line?
ReplyDeleteSounds like a really interesting book! I love reincarnation type stories!
Good luck with the contest!
Shelley
I agree with Shelley. I bet your book is really unique, but your pitch doesn't express that.
ReplyDeleteI agree with the others. To me if their future is already determined by fate, there's not much they can do about it. Is it possible to replace the second bit with more of a conflict and consequence they can impact?
ReplyDeleteI love the idea of reunited by reincarnation. Best of luck to you!
I like the premise of reincarnation and witches, but I'd like to have a better feel for the conflict and/or who this sinister man is. Good luck!
ReplyDeleteI hate to jump on the bandwagon, but I would agree with taking out the fate part. Can you talk about what they have (skills or allies) to fight the sinister man? (I'd also change "the sinister man" to "a sinister man". Hey, saves two characters! :)
ReplyDeleteWhat are the stakes for the witches? What do they have to do to escape fate and the man out to kill them?
ReplyDeleteHow about: "Three witches, reunited by magic and reincarnation, find their future in the hands of a sinister man out to kill them." Then this leaves 20ish characters left to give more info. I like the concept a lot!
ReplyDeleteI'd like to have more of a glimpse into the "fate" of their future. Otherwise great work!
ReplyDeleteAll the best.
If "fate" is a vague concept of destiny, I'd take it out of the pitch and put in a clearer antagonist/controlling force who directs events. However, if Fate is a character in the story (embodied somehow -- I really like this idea, honestly), then make that clear. Good stuff!
ReplyDeleteI do want to know who the man is ...out to get them!
ReplyDeleteThank you to all - this feedback has been extremely helpful. I've updated my pitch, and hopefully the new one gives a bit more of the conflict than the first one did.
ReplyDeleteThank you and GOOD LUCK to everyone.
Steph
LOVE! LOVE! LOVE! New pitch is great. I don't have a full idea of the characters - it is so hard to do in a 140 character pitch - but I have a great sense of the stakes and the revenge plot.
ReplyDeleteThank you for your helpful comments on my pitch is well. The contest definitely helps hone those skills. Good luck!!!
Stephanie, that is way, way better! Good luck with the contest. I think you have it now.
ReplyDeleteHi Stephanie! Good job on the redo! I like the threat of vengeance better than that of being killed. It's more mysterious.
ReplyDeleteRevision is great! Much better. Best of luck ;)
ReplyDeleteLove the second one, Stephanie! I would read this.
ReplyDeletejust read the revision and i think it is getting much better. keep on writing and good luck!
ReplyDeletedouglas esper
Oh yeah! I like the revision much more! Good job :)
ReplyDeleteI like it. My one question is what "remember the past" means. It seems a little passive to me.
ReplyDeleteI definitely liked the revised one. Much stronger hook. I wouldn't mind seeing a comma or two, though... Good job!
ReplyDeleteReally like the changes you made & love the ending of hell-bent on vengeance.
ReplyDeleteI agree that the revisions make the pitch better. More active voice and a bit more tension. Great job and good luck!
ReplyDeleteI definitely like the second one! Two things: first, "hell-bent" is a little cliched, and "bent" will work (I think it's stronger because it loses the cliche, plus it gives you more characters to work with). Second, agree with Karen A. above that "remember the past" is a little passive - maybe "reclaim their past" or "rediscover"?
ReplyDeleteGood work on this one! Good luck!
Ooh, I really like the new pitch. Grabs me.
ReplyDeleteGood luck.
Robin Delany
What a cool story! Anything with witches is great! I like the second pitch and agree with mfantaliswrites comment above. Good luck!
ReplyDeleteIt's good, but a bit wordy. It might be clearer to say "Three witches must recall their past lives" and then a description of the danger. This sounds like a fun story! I hope someday I can read more.
ReplyDeleteI like the revision a whole lot
ReplyDeleteBrandi Kosiner